Tuesday, August 1, 2017

The Good in Good-Bye

She called me brave. She called me courageous. She looked me in the eye. “You don’t settle. Most people settle.”


I felt a little better, but so many other things had been said that were competing for my attention. Like, “Why can’t you make a commitment- You’re obviously not a good judge of character — You can’t just go from one man to another — Why don’t you just stick it out, you’re getting older— You must be hard to live with — You’re basically a loser at love.”


Yeah, I know, I hear you loud and clear, and I can’t help agree somewhat with all of the above.


Then she said, “Sometimes, the Happy in Happy endings is that it ended.”


And as we got up to leave the table, she added, “There is good in good-bye.


Yes, true, another way to look at things.


This is the conversation spinning around in my head, all mixed up with shades of shame and embarrassment. The one fighting with all of the status quos, the one fighting with convention, with tradition, the one fighting with expectations and whom we are conditioned to believe we should be. And why are those in relationships classifying my relationships as “mistakes?” Is longevity a requirement to a relationship that is worth having, that doesn’t get thrown in the “bad judgment” pile? Many wonderful things are born of relationships that are meant to last only so long — some of the shortest relationships can be the most transformative, loving, exciting, and worthwhile.


I have a secret, and many have told this secret to me.


An overwhelming amount of the women I meet or have talked with wish they were in my shoes. Oh, not the brave and courageous part, not the packing, and moving, and going through the emotional upheaval and turmoil, but the happy ending part. They are tired. They wish they lived in their own little house, played their own choice of music, did yoga at 9 pm, and ate whatever they wanted for dinner. They are aching to live their life fully instead of part-time. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.


What I’d like to ask is please don't judge those of us who haven’t been as “lucky” in love as you. Don’t assume that we have character defects, issues, or that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That if we just loved ourselves a little bit more we’d find our perfect, lifelong, soulmate. I believe most of us went into our relationships with the same hopes and dreams that you did - and the belief they would last forever. 


And if you’re one of those who has managed to stay in a marriage, and more importantly, may I add, stay in love, then you are very blessed indeed. Life has been good to you. 


But, if you're only staying in a relationship or marriage because of the words, for better or worse, when at the time you had no idea how or what worse might entail, then you are no different from the ones who leave. The only difference is that we left on a physical plane where you might have left on an emotional one. So let’s call a truce. Let's be kind to one another. Chips fall where they may. No matter what decisions we make in life, whatever rules we follow, whatever beat and drummer we march to, it’s all life. And what is the same, is that we all only get a certain amount of it and we live it the best we can. So no matter where you find yourself at any point in time, be brave, be bold, be beautiful, be you.


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