They say to feel happy, make someone else happy

The old saying, It’s better to give than to receive, apparently is true on many counts. For most people that makes it a win-win. Unless of course, you’re a sociopath, narcissist or any one of the Frank Underwood Administration. There are always exceptions.

I suggest that we try this for one week, 7 little days out of our lives. One gesture of giving, of kindness a day and let’s see how we feel at week’s end. In fact, if you are feeling down or upset, one of the greatest things you can do is to share a bit of kindness. Here are some really simple suggestions, things that you can do right now.

Photo by Tom Parsons on Unsplash

1. Give someone a compliment. We can always find something good — whether, I love your shoes, your smile, the skip in your step.

I told the girl behind the counter at the post office the other day that I loved her new haircut. I don’t know her but I see her there when I drop off packages and I noticed she had cut quite a bit of hair off. I was actually taken aback by her response.

Do you really? She was so excited. Oh my gosh, you just made my day. I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. Oh, I’m so happy you think it looks good!

She was gushing and I left there feeling pretty good about my own self, too. Even though that was not at all my intention. I really did like her hair!

2. Take someone a small gift (flowers from your backyard/a bowl of oranges or fresh herbs from your garden)

3. Make someone’s day (buy the guy in line a cup of coffee, or better yet, the guy standing outside the coffee shop)

4. Call a friend. Or your Mom. Or someone who would love to hear from you.

5. Say hello and smile as you pass people.

6. Visit someone who lives alone.

7. Let someone go in front of you in line.

8. Listen without distractions. That’s right, put the phone away. Be present.

9. Leave your server the biggest tip you can afford.

10. If you see someone struggling, with a stroller, with grocery bags, up the steps or with whatever, do the old boy scout deed of helping. Lift groceries into their car, or up the steps, or tell them if tag is showing or their shirt is inside out. (Trust me, people appreciate this, it happened to me! https://medium.com/@kimklein_80466/your-tag-is-showing-f72c3c0ef25)

And remember, surround yourself with positive people, listen to your head, listen to your body, know when to say yes, and when to say no. You deserve kindness too!

The Good in Good-Bye

She called me brave. She called me courageous. She looked me in the eye. “You don’t settle. Most people settle.”

I felt a little better, but so many other things had been said that were competing for my attention. Like, “Why can’t you make a commitment- You’re obviously not a good judge of character — You can’t just go from one man to another — Why don’t you just stick it out, you’re getting older— You must be hard to live with — You’re basically a loser at love.”

Yeah, I know, I hear you loud and clear, and I can’t help agree somewhat with all of the above.

Then she said, “Sometimes, the Happy in Happy endings is that it ended.”

And as we got up to leave the table, she added, “There is good in good-bye.

Yes, true, another way to look at things.

This is the conversation spinning around in my head, all mixed up with shades of shame and embarrassment. The one fighting with all of the status quos, the one fighting with convention, with tradition, the one fighting with expectations and whom we are conditioned to believe we should be. And why are those in relationships classifying my relationships as “mistakes?” Is longevity a requirement to a relationship that is worth having, that doesn’t get thrown in the “bad judgment” pile? Many wonderful things are born of relationships that are meant to last only so long — some of the shortest relationships can be the most transformative, loving, exciting, and worthwhile.

I have a secret, and many have told this secret to me.

An overwhelming amount of the women I meet or have talked with wish they were in my shoes. Oh, not the brave and courageous part, not the packing, and moving, and going through the emotional upheaval and turmoil, but the happy ending part. They are tired. They wish they lived in their own little house, played their own choice of music, did yoga at 9 pm, and ate whatever they wanted for dinner. They are aching to live their life fully instead of part-time. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.

What I’d like to ask is please don't judge those of us who haven’t been as “lucky” in love as you. Don’t assume that we have character defects, issues, or that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That if we just loved ourselves a little bit more we’d find our perfect, lifelong, soulmate. I believe most of us went into our relationships with the same hopes and dreams that you did - and the belief they would last forever. 

And if you’re one of those who has managed to stay in a marriage, and more importantly, may I add, stay in love, then you are very blessed indeed. Life has been good to you. 

But, if you're only staying in a relationship or marriage because of the words, for better or worse, when at the time you had no idea how or what worse might entail, then you are no different from the ones who leave. The only difference is that we left on a physical plane where you might have left on an emotional one. So let’s call a truce. Let's be kind to one another. Chips fall where they may. No matter what decisions we make in life, whatever rules we follow, whatever beat and drummer we march to, it’s all life. And what is the same, is that we all only get a certain amount of it and we live it the best we can. So no matter where you find yourself at any point in time, be brave, be bold, be beautiful, be you.

You want to be right or you want to be happy?

I know many have said this, but I think the first time I heard it was years ago on the Dr. Phil show. There is plenty of his wise advice that I agree with, such as, if you didn’t get the love or support you needed as a child, give it to yourself now. Or, being from a broken home is better than living in one.

But the advice, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
I have a bit of an issue with this one. By asking this question, it is suggesting that in order to be happy we may be compromising our strong beliefs, our value systems, and our true essence.

I get that a lot of times ego gets in the way. That we think our own point of view is so important and superior that we must express it, and we fight for the listener to understand it.

Now, if this saying applies to simple things in life, like, I thought they used egg noodles in Chow Mein, and your partner is arguing that they use rice noodles, well, you just might want to drop the eye roll and let it go. It’s really not that important. And there are many of these of things that can come up on a daily basis, and it’s best to, as they say on the east coast, “Fuggetaboutit.” But, on the other hand, if it is something that really matters to you, that is a part of your belief system, a part of who you are, and you give in in order to keep the peace, then you are being dishonest to yourself. And you will find that the more you do this, the more it will begin to eat at you.

So, do you want to be someone other than you are?
That is the question that you need to weigh carefully. True health can’t be ours if we are living a lie, if we are not speaking our truth so as not to rock the boat. Because once we start giving in, little by little, letting go for the sake of argument, letting go so that someone else can be right, eventually we will no longer be right or happy.

(Need some help finding your voice? Standing up for yourself? Knowing your worth? Being true to yourself, no apologies necessary? Oh girl, then I've got a program for you!)