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Friday, November 17, 2017

Guilt doesn't do a body Good

Tis the season. Full of thanks and Ho Ho Ho’s. We’ve survived another candy-coated Halloween and are now sitting down to the Thanksgiving meal which encompasses an entire day of non-stop eating and a day or two of filling up on leftovers. Then, off we go running to the month of holiday parties, get-togethers, school and work functions and various other food-filled festivities. 

I just want to remind everyone, that if we focus on all of the sugar (and as many of you know, I’m pretty serious about getting sugar out of my diet), and all of the carbs and calories that we will be consuming, we will spend the season singing the blues instead of Joy to the World. And this, my friends, is not healthy.
November and December, for most, are filled with tradition. Traditions are good, and let's face it, food is usually the center of family traditions. Having fun in your life, feeling joyful, laughing and spending time with loved ones is just as important (or more so) than the food we consume. I don't want to downplay the importance of eating a good diet and taking care of yourself on a regular basis, but feeding our soul is what gives us the fuel to love and live a life of passion. 


So, during these types of events, relax, let it go. The stress and worry about what and what not to eat can be more harmful to your health than that slice of pumpkin pie or serving of stuffing with a little extra gravy. That said, if you find yourself slumping down in the front seat of your car, eating a pumpkin pie straight from the box that you just bought at the grocery store, you might have something to worry about.  But otherwise, you don't need to deprive yourself and you don't need to be a glutton, either.  Practice moderation and enjoy.  This is life ~ it is short, and every moment should be savored.

For more information about health coaching, click here to visit my website ~

Monday, November 6, 2017

Changing with the Seasons

One of the things I miss most about where I live is witnessing the change of seasons. Living in Santa Barbara, the seasons change, but not too drastically. Our seasons consist of “Amazing” then comes "May Gray" followed by “June Gloom” (which refers to our two overcast months) and with any luck, another season that consists of some light rain and nights cold enough to wear my peacoat. 

Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the coolness of the air on my skin, the surge of energy I feel, and the way I sleep like a baby under heavy blankets. I also adore boots, jackets, scarves, and turtlenecks. Yes, turtlenecks.
A fall day at the beach in Carpinteria

There's something to be said for appreciating a beautiful day. Here, every day is pretty beautiful and it's easy to take that for granted. We really do need something to look forward to. Whether it's a sunny day, a vacation, a Broadway play, we need to have plans, events, things that are not ordinary, not delivered to us daily.

I can remember what it felt like when after having a long cold winter, the first day of spring rolled around, and flowers started to bloom and birds started to sing, and there was that exhilarating feeling of everything coming back to life. That feeling of wanting to dance in the mixture of spring rain and warm sunshine. Everything seemed possible in spring. 

Whereas, fall is the time of year when things slow down, nothing seems as pressing; it's restful. Fall and winter are such quiet times. They are more in line with the likes of the hopeless romantic, where it's easy to get lost in an epic novel. There is a peaceful hush to the world. Fall and winter seem soft, nurturing, and safe. To me, they feel like cashmere and smell like freshly baked banana bread.

Even if the leaves aren’t turning orange and yellow where you live, there are subtle shifts happening outside and in us all. There is a communal slowing down. Fall helps us make the transition from the frenzied activity of summer to the deep quiet of winter. It can also remind us to pause, to be present, and to reflect on the past year. It's a time for us to look back on what we have achieved, on any unfinished business in which we need clarity or completion. It's a time to stop the fiery summer energy of running around, of trying to accomplish maybe too much at one time, and breathe. Just breathe.


So, if the idea of the warmer weather being over brings you down and the thought of the cooler and colder months ahead already have you feeling a bit blue, try to relax and embrace the notion that we are meant to change, just like the seasons ~ and rest assured that spring will return and those hot summer days will come again.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

The G Word

I’ve been talking, ok, maybe preaching, about the importance of practicing gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal for years. But I’m gonna come clean, I haven’t been keeping one on a regular basis either. I have a hard time doing anything over and over - except, strangely enough, I manage to keep my daily commitment to morning coffee. Hmmm . . .

Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash
I always think of myself as being grateful, of paying attention, practicing mindfulness and staying aware of how blessed my life is. But in reality, when I stopped journaling months ago I have since noticed that my life feels a bit less grounded, I have more cynicism, more anger, and at times feelings of hopelessness. The negative shows up on the big screen for me.

So back to my journal. And I only ask myself to come up with three things a day (actually I do it at night, right before bed.) Three things are easy to come up with, there’s no fishing, no going through my daily memory bank for things to write down.  But just these few things seem to be enough to switch my frame of mind. To remind myself of the beauty, the blessings, and the ease of my life compared to so many others in the world. I once again find myself appreciative of the smallest things. Things like some half and half in the refrigerator for my coffee, for the refrigerator itself, and for electricity to keep the refrigerator going! Things that normally are not given enough appreciation.

So truly, if you are better at routine than me, or even if you’re not, start a gratitude journal. Three little things a day - you can do it - it really only takes a few minutes. Not that much of a commitment but you will definitely notice the changes in your mindset, your mood, and your overall well-being. Keeping a gratitude journal forces you (in a gentle way) to look for the good. 

And that, my friend, can’t be bad.




Saturday, November 4, 2017

Wabi Sabi through the Holidays

Making them jolly and bright

Photo by Nikola Jelenkovic on Unsplash

Some people can’t wait for the holiday season — for them it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. For others it’s a time of dread and just something to get through. But in whichever camp you fall there’s no better time to put into practice the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, roughly translated as the art of acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection.
It seems during this time in particular we demand so much of ourselves, wanting everything to be perfect, that we can’t help but set ourselves up for disappointment. As a one-time pastry chef, I have to remember that even if the chocolate soufflĂ© falls, it will still taste just as good.

But truly, one of my best and most memorable Thanksgiving holidays was spent years ago with a group of friends.

The woman that was hosting had unfortunately broken her back in late October but she still wanted to host so her husband had agreed to do the cooking. When we all sat down at the table and he began to carve the turkey, it was not only raw inside but the cavity was void of any savory bread stuffing and instead was filled with the plastic bag containing all of the turkey organs.
After his wife apologized profusely and her normal skin color returned, we all started laughing that belly aching kind of laughter that ends in tears, and then calling for Chinese take-out. The holiday, though not all that traditional, was nothing if not memorable. The food was good, the wine flowed, the company was divine, and the store-bought pumpkin pies that our host placed right on the table in their plastic containers along with the normally looked down upon Cool Whip, was absolutely delicious.

Expectations around the holidays run high and so do emotions.

We want everything to be perfect. We want everyone happy, the food cooked to perfection, and the table setting beautiful enough to rival one in Martha Stewart Living magazine.
So what’s the solution? How can we adopt a Wabi Sabi attitude? First, recognize that the stress of the holidays affects everyone, even small children. You can’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior all of the time. Know ahead of time that this is an emotional time, filled with excitement, joy, and at times, unhappiness. Try to keep your schedule as open and flexible as possible. Go ahead and skip your weekly book club or piano lesson. This alone takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you more time and a feeling of ease throughout the holidays.
Don’t assume all of the responsibility. If we do this, not only will we not enjoy the holidays, but also we will end up exhausted and depressed when they finally come, or shortly thereafter. So this year, enlist the help of your family. Divide up the activities evenly or do them all together. Make it fun, not a chore to be done.
Another problem is that we put too much emphasis on gift giving. If you feel you must buy gifts for every relative, teacher, hairdresser, neighbor, and the mailman, you are setting yourself up for a very stressful holiday season. Try to simplify this year. Give something of yourself — something that you love to do and that you are good at. Bake cookies, make scarves, give gift certificates for pet sitting, plant–watering, childcare for an evening, or help with clutter clearing. These all make wonderful gifts. Do set a budget, make a list and be realistic about what you can afford to spend.
Of course, for many people the holidays can be a time of sadness or depression. This is unavoidable if we have lost loved ones or have memories associated with Christmas that are not favorable. But this year make a ritual of honoring those who have passed and spend a small amount of time giving in to those feelings. It’s okay.

What causes us the most stress is to feel we cannot feel this way.

Celebrate your ancestors. Americans usually hide them away because most of us feel so awkward about death. If you are missing friends or family, try to remember happy times and share them with others.
It’s always important that we stay healthy, but it’s especially important at this time when our bodies can easily get run down. If you have a holiday party in the evening, make sure you eat a nutritious breakfast and light lunch and limit your alcohol intake. For every cocktail or glass of wine you have, drink at least 8 oz. of water in between. You’ll thank yourself in the morning!
Treat yourself to a bath with lavender, pine, rose, or tangerine to help you relax and calm down. Do this before bedtime to help with a good night’s sleep.

Remember to BREATHE.

Deeply. Start each morning out sitting still, eyes closed, breathing. Do this for only a couple of minutes, if that is all you can spare. End each night doing the same thing.
A good Feng Shui remedy is to take an orange and cut 9 small round circles out of the peel. Citrus is known to lift our energy and help with stress and anxiety. Place them in a baggie and take along with you when you are out shopping or out in a crowd. Inhale when you are feeling tired and fatigued. This will invigorate you to keep you going a little longer! Or, you can also bathe in orange peels at the end of the day if you need to regain energy.

Most importantly, keep your sense of humor, relax, release your expectations– and enjoy the holidays!


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

THE LITTLE BIG THINGS

When I think about what makes a woman a Wabi Sabi Woman, what comes to my mind is resilience. It’s not so much that we just flow with everything that comes our way. We are not Stepford Wives, we are not anesthetized, and we don’t sit around all day meditating and chanting OM. We have our fears, our tempers, our moods, and our down days when we don’t feel very Wabi Sabi at all.
But we have embraced that very important lesson — that everything changes.
We cannot resist it. As the salmon struggles to swim upstream, we have learned life is easier when you stop the struggle. As much as we hate it, we know that with every joy there is some sorrow; with every dark there will then be light. We face whatever challenges appear (and they will always appear) and we deal. We know that this too shall pass and we keep our heads above water.
So many wonderful lessons we could painlessly learn if we just believed the wise words of the teacher. For example, Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.” Wow, that would’ve saved me some heartache!
And what about “Without our health, we have nothing.” When we have our health we seem to take it for granted and only become proactive about preserving it when we’re close to losing it. Please don’t wait to lose yours before you place great value on it.
And one of my favorites, “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the big things.”
― Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Little things like hearing a child’s belly laugh, the perfect cup of coffee, finding a bra that fits, a morning kiss from your special someone, watching the sunrise or witnessing the most glorious sunset, waking without a headache, feeling rested, that incredible garage sale find, or opening a bottle of champagne for no reason — other than life itself is a celebration and that is reason enough.
All these great words of wisdom manage to find their way on to some decorative Pinterest board but can’t find their way into the way we live our lives. Why don’t we live these lessons?
The Wabi Sabi Woman’s scale tends to tip in the favor of optimism, on the positives and possibilities in life. We make a conscious decision to notice, love and appreciate the little things. Those little things in life that in the end, or when we are without them, prove to be the big things.
My post here is simply to serve as a reminder to stay aware, to be mindful of these simple luxuries we have in life.
Luxury isn’t what they’ve been trying to sell us. It’s not European sedans (though I do love a nice BMW :) caviar, designer handbags, diamonds and jet planes. No, luxury is being alive, breathing good air, eating good food, and having friends and family to share your love and your life. The little things that are really the big things, the things that truly matter, are the most luxurious of all.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

The Good in Good-Bye

She called me brave. She called me courageous. She looked me in the eye. “You don’t settle. Most people settle.”


I felt a little better, but so many other things had been said that were competing for my attention. Like, “Why can’t you make a commitment- You’re obviously not a good judge of character — You can’t just go from one man to another — Why don’t you just stick it out, you’re getting older— You must be hard to live with — You’re basically a loser at love.”


Yeah, I know, I hear you loud and clear, and I can’t help agree somewhat with all of the above.


Then she said, “Sometimes, the Happy in Happy endings is that it ended.”


And as we got up to leave the table, she added, “There is good in good-bye.


Yes, true, another way to look at things.


This is the conversation spinning around in my head, all mixed up with shades of shame and embarrassment. The one fighting with all of the status quos, the one fighting with convention, with tradition, the one fighting with expectations and whom we are conditioned to believe we should be. And why are those in relationships classifying my relationships as “mistakes?” Is longevity a requirement to a relationship that is worth having, that doesn’t get thrown in the “bad judgment” pile? Many wonderful things are born of relationships that are meant to last only so long — some of the shortest relationships can be the most transformative, loving, exciting, and worthwhile.


I have a secret, and many have told this secret to me.


An overwhelming amount of the women I meet or have talked with wish they were in my shoes. Oh, not the brave and courageous part, not the packing, and moving, and going through the emotional upheaval and turmoil, but the happy ending part. They are tired. They wish they lived in their own little house, played their own choice of music, did yoga at 9 pm, and ate whatever they wanted for dinner. They are aching to live their life fully instead of part-time. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.


What I’d like to ask is please don't judge those of us who haven’t been as “lucky” in love as you. Don’t assume that we have character defects, issues, or that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That if we just loved ourselves a little bit more we’d find our perfect, lifelong, soulmate. I believe most of us went into our relationships with the same hopes and dreams that you did - and the belief they would last forever. 


And if you’re one of those who has managed to stay in a marriage, and more importantly, may I add, stay in love, then you are very blessed indeed. Life has been good to you. 


But, if you're only staying in a relationship or marriage because of the words, for better or worse, when at the time you had no idea how or what worse might entail, then you are no different from the ones who leave. The only difference is that we left on a physical plane where you might have left on an emotional one. So let’s call a truce. Let's be kind to one another. Chips fall where they may. No matter what decisions we make in life, whatever rules we follow, whatever beat and drummer we march to, it’s all life. And what is the same, is that we all only get a certain amount of it and we live it the best we can. So no matter where you find yourself at any point in time, be brave, be bold, be beautiful, be you.


Monday, July 24, 2017

A Change is Gonna Come

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Change isn't comfortable. It pokes at us, forces us to face our fears, and pushes us to act when we would much rather stay in our well-worn pj's, curl up on the couch and binge watch a Netflix original series. We are creatures of habit, of routine, and we like the familiar whether good or bad. It's "our familiar" and we've grown fond of the old wash, rinse, and repeat.
And this is even when the change is a positive one.
We still experience change as a loss (because something is being left behind when we change anything) so this is a crucial time to rely on your Wabi Sabi mindset when going through those life changes. Not always easy to do while you're in the midst of them and you don’t know why, where, or how you will end up.
There are many comforting beliefs that you can hold on to - that life is a school and everything is a lesson. That there are no accidents. That everything happens for a reason. All of these work well when you need to soothe and reassure yourself that things will be ok, that you are exactly where you're meant to be at any given moment. That fate, or God, or the universe has plans for you that they didn’t bother to consult with you about.
We all make plans. We all have a vision of how things should be. And when they end up, or we end up, in an entirely different version of that vision, it can be quite painful and confusing.
Wabi Sabi reminds us that nothing is permanent or perfect and allows us to release the notion that we are in complete control. Change is a part of life. And while some changes can be painful, they are the natural evolution of things. When we resist them, when we pout and demand that we shouldn’t have to go through this, that this wasn’t part of the plan, we only cause ourselves more suffering.
So when these changes come at you, you may not be prepared. After you've had some time to sit with them, the best thing to do is not resist them. Stop fighting them. Instead, breathe in, breathe out, and trust that you will be ok. Maybe even better than ok, maybe, great. We tend to focus on the worst that can happen, but now's the time to ask ourselves, "what's the best that can happen?" instead of struggling against the current and trying to swim upstream, it’s best if you can just feel the gentle waters all around and you and go with the flow.


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

In Defense of the Quitter

Sometimes it isn’t quitting at all, it’s simply letting go

“You’re going to let her quit?” You can’t do that, she’ll be a quitter for the rest of her life.”
She was four years old. She wanted to take ballet (or perhaps it was me that wanted her to take ballet?) Hard to remember, it was so long ago.

But she tried it. She didn’t like it. 

She went to several dance lessons and then of course, it was time for the “show everyone how much we’ve learned” recital. She wanted no part of it. She tossed her point shoes and leotard in the trash, and told me flat out “no,” she wasn’t going. (Yes, she was and is headstrong! A fire tiger in Chinese Astrology. And girl fire tigers, as we’ve been told are known to be “disobedient”)

So I let her quit. I figured, she doesn’t like it. Why waste our time, my money, and this was really about her, not me. But one of the other mothers in the league of pink slipper ballet mothers couldn’t quite believe it when I announced that my daughter wouldn’t be a part of the recital, and in fact, wouldn’t be coming back to ballet at all.

“She owes it the rest of the girls. She made a commitment.” Well, obviously she and I had a difference of opinion on what commitment meant and what commitment had been made.

People love to tell you not to give up. Not to be a quitter. 

But what is it about quitting that strikes such a dissonant chord within us? You get labeled a loser, a flake, or irresponsible. But how do you know when you’re being a quitter, or just adopting the Wabi Sabi mantra of “let it go.”

Is life really all about accomplishments and finish lines? Or can life be more of a meandering garden path that stops us in our tracks at every different flower, every shady tree, every creek side bridge? We are allowed to change our minds, change our hearts, and change direction, are we not?
As a person who has many interests and has tried many things, people tend to not take you seriously. We are born into this world with the rules already in place, they’ve been established for a long, long, time and we need to abide by them. At least until we become aware enough, or independent enough (some would call it stubborn enough) to realize that not every societal rule need apply to our life. 
I understand the fear people have around quitting a job, a marriage, or dropping out of school in your final semester, and the pressure from others that accompanies it. But if we listen to our heart, our soul, and drown out the voices of all those rule makers, we will know exactly what we need to quit. And one of the first things on the list would be to quit letting those other voices shout louder than our own.

But, for as many things in our life that we should nurture and hang on to, there are just as many that we need to quit. 

And some of those things we need to quit doing right now.
  • Quit putting pressure on ourselves to make everyone else happy
  • Quit wasting so much time on social media
  • Quit saying you’re sorry for things you don’t need to be sorry about
  • Quit planning for a rainy day and go enjoy the sunny one
  • Quit waiting for the right time to start (it doesn’t exist)
  • Quit feeling as if we’re just not good enough (most everyone else feels that on some level, too)
  • Quit hanging out with people who drain our energy and bring nothing positive to the table
  • Quit waiting for life to be perfect. (Hint: It isn’t — but you already are)
  • Quit working at a job that you hate (go drive for Uber or Lyft till you find something else)
  • Quit thinking someone else is going to save you
  • Quit thinking that if you just had more, a new purchase or acquisition, then life would be good
  • Quit thinking you don’t already have everything you need to be happy
So go ahead and quit. Quit every little thing that doesn’t add to your growth, your good health, your happiness and your peace of mind. You’re not a quitter, you’re just letting that shit go. 

(Oh, and on a side note, my 4-year-old daughter who is now 30 is one of the most committed people I’ve ever met — never gives up and goes after what she wants. So, that theory, once a quitter, always a quitter, doesn’t hold water in my book!)

Sunday, July 9, 2017

WHAT IS YOUR SOUL WORK?

Your soul work could have everything to do with financial reward, or nothing at all.

Are we all born creative beings? While some say we are born being creative, others say it is a trait that has to be nurtured.This argument has been going on for a long time, and theories and opinions have differed.
But either way, we are all born with the innate ability and need to express ourselves.
As a teenager, writing was my drug of choice. Sad pathetic love songs that I could sing along my old Yamaha guitar. I wanted to be Joni Mitchell. I wanted to pour out all of my teenage angst in a song. I needed to be heard.
Soon after, the sad love songs turned into sad poetry. No beautiful flowers or love letters in my poems. No, I wrote more about the state of the world, or at least my view of it at the time. I wrote about homelessness, broken hearts, death of good friends, places lost in time.
It was a great place for me to vent, to escape. To who? Maybe no one. But setting my thoughts and the words free to escape into the universe not only made me feel heard but also made me feel complete. It made me feel as though I had accomplished something. It was my creative outlet, though I never came close to receiving a recording contract or to becoming a Walt Whitman.
I know many creatives who have put their art on the back burner.
It either wasn’t making them money, it was costing them too much money, or they didn’t have time to pursue their “hobby” as their life was too busy with their “real” jobs.
I heard a talk from Liz Gilbert once where she explained the difference between a hobby, a job, a career, and a vocation. In a nutshell she defined it as this:
· A hobby is something that you do for pleasure, relaxation, distraction, or mild curiosity. A hobby is something that you do in your spare time.
· A job is something you do to make money, to pay the bills, to make ends meet. Something most all of us have to have at some point in our life.
· A career is something that you build over the years with energy, passion, and commitment.
· And a vocation is your calling. The word “vocation” comes from the Latin verb “vocare” — meaning, “to call.” Your vocation is a summons that comes directly from the universe, and is communicated through the yearnings of your soul. Your soul calling could have everything to do with financial reward, or nothing at all.
Writing is my vocation. It has always been in my DNA. I could NOT not do it. It doesn’t matter if it is read, if my words are heard, or if they resonate with others. Even having one admirer can be enough. And mine was my mother.
Years ago I made her a little folder with all my poems and she loved them and proudly left the folder out on her coffee table for all to see.
My point is this, if you are an artist of any type, a writer, painter, ceramist, cook, you name it, you have to create. There is no other way around this unless you want to live with a big empty hole inside you. A feeling that something is missing.
So what is your vocation? What is your soul work?
Soul work is never insignificant. It doesn’t matter if others never see your work or buy your work. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make you a dime. It is an expression of your being, no less important than the love you share, the mark you make, and the legacy you leave.
It is in a sense, your duty to get it out of you and out into the world.
Somewhere. Whether your passion has been to write a Family Favourites Cookbook to share with your siblings or to write a New York Times best-seller, our gifts come in all shapes, sizes, and forms, and as they say, some of the best gifts come in small packages.
Share your gifts, for every one of them is a little piece of your soul, and that is a gift worth giving.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

You want to be right or you want to be happy?

I know many have said this, but I think the first time I heard it was years ago on the Dr. Phil show. There is plenty of his wise advice that I agree with, such as, if you didn’t get the love or support you needed as a child, give it to yourself now. Or, being from a broken home is better than living in one.
But the advice, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
I have a bit of an issue with this one. By asking this question, it is suggesting that in order to be happy we may be compromising our strong beliefs, our value systems, and our true essence.
I get that a lot of times ego gets in the way. That we think our own point of view is so important and superior that we must express it, and we fight for the listener to understand it.
Now, if this saying applies to simple things in life, like, I thought they used egg noodles in Chow Mein, and your partner is arguing that they use rice noodles, well, you just might want to drop the eye roll and let it go. It’s really not that important. And there are many of these of things that can come up on a daily basis, and it’s best to, as they say on the east coast, “Fuggetaboutit.” But, on the other hand, if it is something that really matters to you, that is a part of your belief system, a part of who you are, and you give in in order to keep the peace, then you are being dishonest to yourself. And you will find that the more you do this, the more it will begin to eat at you.
So, do you want to be someone other than you are?
That is the question that you need to weigh carefully. True health can’t be ours if we are living a lie, if we are not speaking our truth so as not to rock the boat. Because once we start giving in, little by little, letting go for the sake of argument, letting go so that someone else can be right, eventually we will no longer be right or happy.


(Need some help finding your voice? Standing up for yourself? Knowing your worth? Being true to yourself, no apologies necessary? Oh girl, then I've got a program for you!)