Guilt doesn't do a body Good

Tis the season. Full of thanks and Ho Ho Ho’s. We’ve survived another candy-coated Halloween and are now sitting down to the Thanksgiving meal which encompasses an entire day of non-stop eating and a day or two of filling up on leftovers. Then, off we go running to the month of holiday parties, get-togethers, school and work functions and various other food-filled festivities. 

I just want to remind everyone, that if we focus on all of the sugar (and as many of you know, I’m pretty serious about getting sugar out of my diet), and all of the carbs and calories that we will be consuming, we will spend the season singing the blues instead of Joy to the World. And this, my friends, is not healthy.

November and December, for most, are filled with tradition. Traditions are good, and let's face it, food is usually the center of family traditions. Having fun in your life, feeling joyful, laughing and spending time with loved ones is just as important (or more so) than the food we consume. I don't want to downplay the importance of eating a good diet and taking care of yourself on a regular basis, but feeding our soul is what gives us the fuel to love and live a life of passion. 

So, during these types of events, relax, let it go. The stress and worry about what and what not to eat can be more harmful to your health than that slice of pumpkin pie or serving of stuffing with a little extra gravy. That said, if you find yourself slumping down in the front seat of your car, eating a pumpkin pie straight from the box that you just bought at the grocery store, you might have something to worry about.  But otherwise, you don't need to deprive yourself and you don't need to be a glutton, either.  Practice moderation and enjoy.  This is life ~ it is short, and every moment should be savored.

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The Good in Good-Bye

She called me brave. She called me courageous. She looked me in the eye. “You don’t settle. Most people settle.”

I felt a little better, but so many other things had been said that were competing for my attention. Like, “Why can’t you make a commitment- You’re obviously not a good judge of character — You can’t just go from one man to another — Why don’t you just stick it out, you’re getting older— You must be hard to live with — You’re basically a loser at love.”

Yeah, I know, I hear you loud and clear, and I can’t help agree somewhat with all of the above.

Then she said, “Sometimes, the Happy in Happy endings is that it ended.”

And as we got up to leave the table, she added, “There is good in good-bye.

Yes, true, another way to look at things.

This is the conversation spinning around in my head, all mixed up with shades of shame and embarrassment. The one fighting with all of the status quos, the one fighting with convention, with tradition, the one fighting with expectations and whom we are conditioned to believe we should be. And why are those in relationships classifying my relationships as “mistakes?” Is longevity a requirement to a relationship that is worth having, that doesn’t get thrown in the “bad judgment” pile? Many wonderful things are born of relationships that are meant to last only so long — some of the shortest relationships can be the most transformative, loving, exciting, and worthwhile.

I have a secret, and many have told this secret to me.

An overwhelming amount of the women I meet or have talked with wish they were in my shoes. Oh, not the brave and courageous part, not the packing, and moving, and going through the emotional upheaval and turmoil, but the happy ending part. They are tired. They wish they lived in their own little house, played their own choice of music, did yoga at 9 pm, and ate whatever they wanted for dinner. They are aching to live their life fully instead of part-time. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.

What I’d like to ask is please don't judge those of us who haven’t been as “lucky” in love as you. Don’t assume that we have character defects, issues, or that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That if we just loved ourselves a little bit more we’d find our perfect, lifelong, soulmate. I believe most of us went into our relationships with the same hopes and dreams that you did - and the belief they would last forever. 

And if you’re one of those who has managed to stay in a marriage, and more importantly, may I add, stay in love, then you are very blessed indeed. Life has been good to you. 

But, if you're only staying in a relationship or marriage because of the words, for better or worse, when at the time you had no idea how or what worse might entail, then you are no different from the ones who leave. The only difference is that we left on a physical plane where you might have left on an emotional one. So let’s call a truce. Let's be kind to one another. Chips fall where they may. No matter what decisions we make in life, whatever rules we follow, whatever beat and drummer we march to, it’s all life. And what is the same, is that we all only get a certain amount of it and we live it the best we can. So no matter where you find yourself at any point in time, be brave, be bold, be beautiful, be you.

Banking on that Hollywood Happy Ending


Sometimes loss can be overwhelming. There are many different degrees of loss, from losing your favorite ring, job, pet, or loved one. There is no way around it. We are humans, and in the end we lose everything. Every single thing. Unless of course, you believe there is an afterlife and you will be in a better place that will have everything you ever need or ever loved. You will be reunited with all of your old pets, your family, old spouses (hmm, I'm still trying to figure out which one will want to see me, and what if he remarried, will this be some type of communal living heaven? I'm guessing so) and even that old garnet ring that you loved so much will be there. An optimist, a believer, or a dreamer, would believe that we lose nothing, that all things are returned to us in time.

But here I go again on this love thing. Damn this love thing. This human need to be needed. To be loved. You barely get through one relationship when you start to seek out the next. All living things have that innate desire to be with others who care for them, that comfort them, that have a genuine interest in them. To be able to come home to that someone. To have them notice if you are 3 hours late. To actually worry when you don't call.

There's nothing more exhilarating than that feeling that comes from infatuation, from falling in like, then falling in love. You look different, you radiate a loving positive energy that people pick up on. All of a sudden everyone wants you, everyone wants to be around you. You can't do any wrong. You just won the lotto, the beauty pageant, American Idol, whatever rocks your world, it is now rockin'. But when you have lost love many times, there is also an underlying fear that accompanies that great high. What if it goes away?

I'm still damaged from a past relationship, this I know. I tried hard to heal, to get over it, to put a time limit on my suffering. I forced the square peg into the round hole. Most of it fit. There were definitely gaps on all sides. I still cry at certain songs, certain memories. I lost everything in that relationship. I had already lost my home, my pets, several friends from my prior divorce. But this one took the cake. Again, I lost my home, my job, and even my town, but the biggest loss was losing myself. To deny that it was devastating would be foolish, and a lie. Wearing pride as a mask is one of my few (ok, maybe many) flaws that I have. I hate to admit defeat. It comes from a long line of competitiveness in my family. We do not fail.  We do not hang our heads and play the victim. I had been playing the victim.

Then I saw the movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.” The movie is set in jewel-colored India, so of course, I am immediately sucked in. I love being transported to such exotic locales, places that are so foreign and mysterious. Like the heart.

It features many of the great English actors, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, and Tom Wilkinson. It is a story about life, love, loss, and hope. It will make you reflective, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh, but most importantly it will remind you that it ain’t over till it’s over! I'm playing my movie critic card here and highly recommending this movie if you haven't seen it. If there is the slightest hole in your heart, you will leave with it filled with a whole lot of hope and a renewed sense of what's possible.

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