WABI-SABI is a Japanese word that loosely translated, means FINDING THE BEAUTY IN IMPERFECTION.
Living a Wabi Sabi life is about going with the flow and letting go of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of other people's judgment. Trying our best and knowing when our best is good enough. It is owning who we are and unapologetically knowing our worth. It is about staying open, seeing change as opportunity and every challenge as an invitation.
As far as numbers go, when it comes to our age there are only so many “good ones” according to society, and society has dictated that they are all in the first quarter of our life!!! Imagine that. The only ages that are made out to be exciting are 13, 16, 21, and maybe 25 so you can lower your insurance premiums if you’re a guy. And then? It’s all downhill from there.
So what do those numbers really signify? I guess it would be a type of freedom- considered a grown up, to be taken seriously, to be valued, to be considered old enough to get behind the wheel of a car, to drink alcohol, or to have a few years of experience under your belt.
So now that we are older (with lots of experience) we should view each year with just as much excitement and anticipation of opportunity than ever before. We have acquired all the freedom we need, and we acquired it long ago. Nothing to stand in our way.
But it is such a double-edged sword - we feel blessed that we get to live a long life and yet cursed that we are getting older. Something has to give here and I believe it’s our old attitude that insists we identify with a number. From our Driver’s license (and the usually hideous picture that does along with it) every application or health form we fill out, to the candles on the birthday cake-we are constantly being reminded of that benchmark - it is all about identifying us with a number.
We’ve been conditioned to believe we should look, feel, and act according to the number on our birth certificate. Imagine for a minute if you didn’t know how many years you’ve been on the planet, you have no idea. Would that maybe change the way you think about your life today or the things you want to do tomorrow? Do you think some roadblocks would be lifted? I do.
But of course I am very well aware of my age, as I am my changing face, body, and attitude, but what I don’t know for a fact is how long I will be here on the planet. So age is actually irrelevant. It really only matters if you know the end date. That’s when you truly know how “old” you are.
I’ve always admired athletic people. The ones that I see riding their bikes up the steep mountain grade or the loyal followers of yoga, with mats rolled up under their arms, entering the studio for their 6:00 am class. Not being able to make simple commitments has always been one of my biggest challenges.I don’t know exactly why, but I’m working on finding out. It just seems that the minute I make one, I feel like my freedom has been snatched away and now there is one more rule to follow.And this is even when the commitments are goodfor me.
The funny thing is that I am finding that most of the people I am health coaching are the same way.Maybe for different reasons, but many of us seem to have an aversion to too much regulation, too many “shoulds” ~ even the good stuff.
So instead of asking or telling you that you need to get up and get in a 30- minute workout, give up your coffee, and eat chia seed porridge (which by the way, I actually love) I’m going to give you something much simpler to start out your day. And yes, it is a bit of a commitment, but one so simple that you just might find yourself wanting to do it on a regular basis!
Begin with a good stretch ~ take a cue from your cat or dog. Notice how they wake up. With a stretch ~ and it feels so good. Spend a couple of minutes stretching. This, you can even do while still in bed.
Now, get up. Follow this with a few “holding up the sky” stretches. Reach as high as you can with both arms, keeping your hands flat as though you are holding up a tray. Hold the stretch for a count of 10, then let your arms and head hang down toward the floor. Repeat this a few times. And now, maybe a few, "touching the earth" ~ gently bend forward reaching for your toes (or maybe your knees). Do those a few times and then finish up with some waist twists, letting your arms swing.
If you’re anything like me, you are anxiously heading to the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot about now. So, while you’re waiting for the annoying buzzer to let you know that the coffee is done, you can take a seat and sit with your eyes slightly open (which shouldn’t be hard, since you just woke up!) Sit on the chair with your back straight, feet flat on the ground, and hands in your lap. Take a few deep breaths and wish the world well—whomever and whatever enters your mind at this time, simply think, I wish you well.
Continue to breathe quietly and deeply, paying attention to your breath. If you find yourself worrying or grouchy about something just tell yourself, It’s OK and go back to breathing. A great morning mantra is “My life is amazing. Thank you, *God.”(*universe, world, whatever works for you.) I say this several times a day, and especially when I'm feeling the opposite! It kind of brings me back into a more grateful state.
Giving thanks helps set the tone for the rest of the day. You can always find something to be thankful for upon waking. This should be fairly easy. There are a few obvious choices here: you woke up, you have a chair to sit in, and maybe even a delicious cup of coffee/tea/lemon water. Finish this morning practice off with another few deep cleansing breaths.
This way of starting each day can loosen up the knots in both our physical and mental bodies. These simple, feel good baby steps can often turn into big leaps, and who knows, you might just find yourself enrolling in a yoga class soon or joining a bike team, or hey, maybe even able to touch your toes. Sounds crazy, but one never knows.
The old saying, It’s better to give than to receive, apparently is true on many counts. For most people that makes it a win-win. Unless of course, you’re a sociopath, narcissist or any one of the Frank Underwood Administration. There are always exceptions.
I suggest that we try this for one week, 7 little days out of our lives. One gesture of giving, of kindness a day and let’s see how we feel at week’s end. In fact, if you are feeling down or upset, one of the greatest things you can do is to share a bit of kindness. Here are some really simple suggestions, things that you can do right now.
1. Give someone a compliment. We can always find something good — whether, I love your shoes, your smile, the skip in your step.
I told the girl behind the counter at the post office the other day that I loved her new haircut. I don’t know her but I see her there when I drop off packages and I noticed she had cut quite a bit of hair off. I was actually taken aback by her response.
Do you really? She was so excited. Oh my gosh, you just made my day. I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. Oh, I’m so happy you think it looks good!
She was gushing and I left there feeling pretty good about my own self, too. Even though that was not at all my intention. I really did like her hair!
2. Take someone a small gift (flowers from your backyard/a bowl of oranges or fresh herbs from your garden)
3. Make someone’s day (buy the guy in line a cup of coffee, or better yet, the guy standing outside the coffee shop)
4. Call a friend. Or your Mom. Or someone who would love to hear from you.
5. Say hello and smile as you pass people.
6. Visit someone who lives alone.
7. Let someone go in front of you in line.
8. Listen without distractions. That’s right, put the phone away. Be present.
9. Leave your server the biggest tip you can afford.
10. If you see someone struggling, with a stroller, with grocery bags, up the steps or with whatever, do the old boy scout deed of helping. Lift groceries into their car, or up the steps, or tell them if tag is showing or their shirt is inside out. (Trust me, people appreciate this, it happened to me! https://medium.com/@kimklein_80466/your-tag-is-showing-f72c3c0ef25)
And remember, surround yourself with positive people, listen to your head, listen to your body, know when to say yes, and when to say no. You deserve kindness too!
I’m turning 62 this year. I remember not all that long ago when I heard people say things, like, “life starts at 50” or “the best is yet to come” I thought, Well, that all depends. How bad or mediocre was your life before? I always had a feeling this was somebody's idea of trying to cheer us on so that we would make it to the finish line.
But now I'm realizing that there is some truth behind this best years sentiment. It isn’t that there is more excitement, better sex, wild parties, booming career opportunities or lots of firsts to do or tell; it's because we finally get to be authentically, genuinely, ourselves.We don’t need to give a damn if we don’t give a damn. We no longer need to hide behind the facade of being perfect. Or of being effortlessly beautiful, or agreeable, or worrying if people like us. We can let our guard down and relax a little. Or like in the movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, we can finally exhale.
By this time we should know who we are. No apologies necessary. We know what we like and what we don’t like. What we’ll live with and what we’ll live without. We have our tribe. We know our comfort zone and our boundaries. We may choose to leave them on occasion, but we at least know where they are.
Every age comes with its difficulties. If I look back, I’d have to say my teen years were probably some of the hardest. Or maybe it was my late 20s. There were struggles in my 30s, while 50 found me going through a divorce after 13 years of marriage. I was living alone in a small apartment with the one cat I never really bonded with, my daughter was off at college and my self-esteem and vitality were at an all-time low. Yeah, every life has its struggles, and they present themselves at every age.
Even if we find ourselves with more challenges, such as physical limitations, or maybe we have become divorced, widowed, out of a job, or faced with an illness, if we’ve made it this far we have a fairly strong sense of survival. We’ve all experienced the good and the bad, the yin and the yang, and we know that what goes up, must come down. Whether we like it or not. Nothing lasts forever.
I’m not really sure if there are “best years” - I think just being lucky enough to have years makes them all pretty great. Different, but great. While some things definitely become a little harder with age, there are so many things that become easier. For example:
I can make peace with my hair and forget about trying to find the perfect hairstyle (I've had the same one for the last 40 years, obviously, I'm not gonna change)
I can quit thinking that one day I'll wear floral print dresses to garden parties instead of my jeans and black t-shirt (I've actually accepted that I have always had a "didn't think I was going to get out of the car" kind of style)
And, I no longer have to beat myself up for not running a marathon or making an attempt to climb Mt. Everest (I've felt the pressure before that these are types of things that I should want to do, but now I can say, I honestly have no desire to and never did)
And that's ok. I finally know and accept who I am. And it only took me about 60 years to do so.
Tis the season. Full of thanks and Ho Ho Ho’s. We’ve survived another candy-coated Halloween and are now sitting down to the Thanksgiving meal which encompasses an entire day of non-stop eating and a day or two of filling up on leftovers. Then, off we go running to the month of holiday parties, get-togethers, school and work functions and various other food-filled festivities.
I just want to remind everyone, that if we focus on all of the sugar (and as many of you know, I’m pretty serious about getting sugar out of my diet), and all of the carbs and calories that we will be consuming, we will spend the season singing the blues instead of Joy to the World. And this, my friends, is not healthy.
November and December, for most, are filled with tradition. Traditions are good, and let's face it, food is usually the center of family traditions. Having fun in your life, feeling joyful, laughing and spending time with loved ones is just as important (or more so) than the food we consume. I don't want to downplay the importance of eating a good diet and taking care of yourself on a regular basis, but feeding our soul is what gives us the fuel to love and live a life of passion.
So, during these types of events, relax, let it go. The stress and worry about what and what not to eat can be more harmful to your health than that slice of pumpkin pie or serving of stuffing with a little extra gravy. That said, if you find yourself slumping down in the front seat of your car, eating a pumpkin pie straight from the box that you just bought at the grocery store, you might have something to worry about.But otherwise, you don't need to deprive yourself and you don't need to be a glutton, either. Practice moderation and enjoy.This is life ~ it is short, and every moment should be savored.
For more information about health coaching, click here to visit my website ~
I’ve been talking, ok, maybe preaching, about the importance of practicing gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal for years. But I’m gonna come clean, I haven’t been keeping one on a regular basis either. I have a hard time doing anything over and over - except, strangely enough, I manage to keep my daily commitment to morning coffee. Hmmm . . .
I always think of myself as being grateful, of paying attention, practicing mindfulness and staying aware of how blessed my life is. But in reality, when I stopped journaling months ago I have since noticed that my life feels a bit less grounded, I have more cynicism, more anger, and at times feelings of hopelessness. The negative shows up on the big screen for me.
So back to my journal. And I only ask myself to come up with three things a day (actually I do it at night, right before bed.) Three things are easy to come up with, there’s no fishing, no going through my daily memory bank for things to write down. But just these few things seem to be enough to switch my frame of mind. To remind myself of the beauty, the blessings, and the ease of my life compared to so many others in the world. I once again find myself appreciative of the smallest things. Things like some half and half in the refrigerator for my coffee, for the refrigerator itself, and for electricity to keep the refrigerator going! Things that normally are not given enough appreciation.
So truly, if you are better at routine than me, or even if you’re not, start a gratitude journal. Three little things a day - you can do it - it really only takes a few minutes. Not that much of a commitment but you will definitely notice the changes in your mindset, your mood, and your overall well-being. Keeping a gratitude journal forces you (in a gentle way) to look for the good.
Some people can’t wait for the holiday season — for them it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. For others it’s a time of dread and just something to get through. But in whichever camp you fall there’s no better time to put into practice the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, roughly translated as the art of acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection.
But truly, one of my best and most memorable holidays was spent years ago with a group of friends.
The woman that was hosting had unfortunately broken her back in late October but she still wanted to host, so her husband had agreed to do the cooking. When we all sat down at the table and he began to carve the turkey, it was not only raw inside but the cavity was void of any savory bread stuffing and instead was still filled with the plastic bag containing all of the turkey organs.
After his wife apologized profusely and the color returned to her skin, we all broke out laughing, that belly aching kind of laughter that ends in tears and then we made a call for Chinese take-out.
The holiday, though not all that traditional, was nothing if not memorable. The food was good, the wine flowed, the company divine, and the store-bought pumpkin pies that our host placed right on the table in their plastic containers along with the normally looked down upon Cool Whip, was absolutely delicious.
Expectations around the holidays run high and so do emotions.
We want everything to be perfect. We want everyone happy, the food cooked to perfection, and the table setting beautiful enough to rival one in Martha Stewart Living magazine.
So what’s the solution? How can we adopt a Wabi Sabi attitude? First, recognize that the stress of the holidays affects everyone, even small children. You can’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior all of the time. Know ahead of time that this is an emotional time, filled with excitement, joy, and at times, unhappiness. Try to keep your schedule as open and flexible as possible. Go ahead and skip your weekly book club or piano lesson. This alone takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you more time and a feeling of ease throughout the holidays.
Don’t assume all of the responsibility. If we do this, not only will we not enjoy the holidays, but we will end up exhausted and depressed when guests finally come, or shortly thereafter. So this year, enlist the help of your family. Divide up the activities evenly or do them all together. Make it fun, not a chore to be done.
Another problem is that we put too much emphasis on gift giving. If you feel you must buy gifts for every relative, teacher, hairdresser, neighbor, and the mailman, you are setting yourself up for a very stressful holiday season. Try to simplify this year. Give something of yourself — something that you love to do and that you are good at. Bake cookies, make scarves, give gift certificates for pet sitting, plant–watering, childcare for an evening, or help with clutter clearing. These all make wonderful gifts. Do set a budget, make a list and be realistic about what you can afford to spend.
Of course, for many people the holidays can be a time of sadness or depression. This is unavoidable if we have lost loved ones or have memories associated with Christmas that are not favorable. But this year make a ritual of honoring those who have passed and spend a small amount of time giving in to those feelings. It’s okay. What actually causes us the most stress is that we feel we cannot feel this way. This year celebrate your ancestors. Americans usually hide them away because most of us feel so awkward about death. If you are missing friends or family, try to remember happy times and share them with others.
It’s always important that we stay healthy, but it’s especially important at this timewhen our bodies can easily get run down. If you have a holiday party in the evening, make sure you eat a nutritious breakfast and light lunch and limit your alcohol intake. For every cocktail or glass of wine you have, drink at least 8 oz. of water in between. You’ll thank yourself in the morning!
Treat yourself to a bath with lavender, pine, rose, or tangerine to help you relax and calm down. Do this before bedtime to help with a good night’s sleep.
Remember to BREATHE.
Deeply. Start each morning out sitting still, eyes closed, breathing. Do this for only a couple of minutes, if that is all you can spare. End each night doing the same thing.
A good Feng Shui remedy is to take an orange and cut 9 small round circles out of the peel. Citrus is known to lift our energy and help with stress and anxiety. Place them in a baggie and take along with you when you are out shopping or out in a crowd. Inhale when you are feeling tired and fatigued. This will invigorate you to keep you going a little longer! Or, you can also bathe in orange peels at the end of the day if you need to regain energy.
Most importantly, keep your sense of humor, relax, release your expectations– and enjoy the holidays!
When I think about what makes a woman a Wabi Sabi Woman, what comes to my mind is resilience. It’s not so much that we just flow with everything that comes our way. We are not Stepford Wives, we are not anesthetized, and we don’t sit around all day meditating and chanting OM. We have our fears, our tempers, our moods, and our down days when we don’t feel very Wabi Sabi at all.
But we have embraced that very important lesson — that everything changes.
We cannot resist it. As the salmon struggles to swim upstream, we have learned life is easier when you stop the struggle. As much as we hate it, we know that with every joy there is some sorrow; with every dark there will then be light. We face whatever challenges appear (and they will always appear) and we deal. We know that this too shall pass and we keep our heads above water.
So many wonderful lessons we could painlessly learn if we just believed the wise words of the teacher. For example, Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.” Wow, that would’ve saved me some heartache!
And what about “Without our health, we have nothing.” When we have our health we seem to take it for granted and only become proactive about preserving it when we’re close to losing it. Please don’t wait to lose yours before you place great value on it.
And one of my favorites, “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the big things.” ― Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Little things like hearing a child’s belly laugh, the perfect cup of coffee, finding a bra that fits, a morning kiss from your special someone, watching the sunrise or witnessing the most glorious sunset, waking without a headache, feeling rested, that incredible garage sale find, or opening a bottle of champagne for no reason — other than life itself is a celebration and that is reason enough.
All these great words of wisdom manage to find their way on to some decorative Pinterest board but can’t find their way into the way we live our lives. Why don’t we live these lessons?
The Wabi Sabi Woman’s scale tends to tip in the favor of optimism, on the positives and possibilities in life. We make a conscious decision to notice, love and appreciate the little things. Those little things in life that in the end, or when we are without them, prove to be the big things.
My post here is simply to serve as a reminder to stay aware, to be mindful of these simple luxuries we have in life.
Luxury isn’t what they’ve been trying to sell us. It’s not European sedans (though I do love a nice BMW :) caviar, designer handbags, diamonds and jet planes. No, luxury is being alive, breathing good air, eating good food, and having friends and family to share your love and your life. The little things that are really the big things, the things that truly matter, are the most luxurious of all.
She called me brave. She called me courageous. She looked me in the eye. “You don’t settle. Most people settle.”
I felt a little better, but so many other things had been said that were competing for my attention. Like, “Why can’t you make a commitment- You’re obviously not a good judge of character — You can’t just go from one man to another — Why don’t you just stick it out, you’re getting older— You must be hard to live with — You’re basically a loser at love.”
Yeah, I know, I hear you loud and clear, and I can’t help agree somewhat with all of the above.
Then she said, “Sometimes, the Happy in Happy endings is that it ended.”
And as we got up to leave the table, she added, “There is good in good-bye.
Yes, true, another way to look at things.
This is the conversation spinning around in my head, all mixed up with shades of shame and embarrassment. The one fighting with all of the status quos, the one fighting with convention, with tradition, the one fighting with expectations and whom we are conditioned to believe we should be. And why are those in relationships classifying my relationships as “mistakes?” Is longevity a requirement to a relationship that is worth having, that doesn’t get thrown in the “bad judgment” pile? Many wonderful things are born of relationships that are meant to last only so long — some of the shortest relationships can be the most transformative, loving, exciting, and worthwhile.
I have a secret, and many have told this secret to me.
An overwhelming amount of the women I meet or have talked with wish they were in my shoes. Oh, not the brave and courageous part, not the packing, and moving, and going through the emotional upheaval and turmoil, but the happy ending part. They are tired. They wish they lived in their own little house, played their own choice of music, did yoga at 9 pm, and ate whatever they wanted for dinner. They are aching to live their life fully instead of part-time. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.
What I’d like to ask is please don't judge those of us who haven’t been as “lucky” in love as you. Don’t assume that we have character defects, issues, or that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That if we just loved ourselves a little bit more we’d find our perfect, lifelong, soulmate. I believe most of us went into our relationships with the same hopes and dreams that you did - and the belief they would last forever.
And if you’re one of those who has managed to stay in a marriage, and more importantly, may I add, stay in love, then you are very blessed indeed. Life has been good to you.
But, if you're only staying in a relationship or marriage because of the words, for better or worse, when at the time you had no idea how or what worse might entail, then you are no different from the ones who leave. The only difference is that we left on a physical plane where you might have left on an emotional one. So let’s call a truce. Let's be kind to one another. Chips fall where they may. No matter what decisions we make in life, whatever rules we follow, whatever beat and drummer we march to, it’s all life. And what is the same, is that we all only get a certain amount of it and we live it the best we can. So no matter where you find yourself at any point in time, be brave, be bold, be beautiful, be you.
Sometimes it isn’t quitting at all, it’s simply letting go
“You’re going to let her quit?” You can’t do that, she’ll be a quitter for the rest of her life.”
She was four years old. She wanted to take ballet (or perhaps it was me that wanted her to take ballet?) Hard to remember, it was so long ago.
But she tried it. She didn’t like it.
She went to several dance lessons and then of course, it was time for the “show everyone how much we’ve learned” recital. She wanted no part of it. She tossed her point shoes and leotard in the trash, and told me flat out “no,” she wasn’t going. (Yes, she was and is headstrong! A fire tiger in Chinese Astrology. And girl fire tigers, as we’ve been told are known to be “disobedient”)
So I let her quit. I figured, she doesn’t like it. Why waste our time, my money, and this was really about her, not me. But one of the other mothers in the league of pink slipper ballet mothers couldn’t quite believe it when I announced that my daughter wouldn’t be a part of the recital, and in fact, wouldn’t be coming back to ballet at all.
“She owes it the rest of the girls. She made a commitment.” Well, obviously she and I had a difference of opinion on what commitment meant and what commitment had been made.
People love to tell you not to give up. Not to be a quitter.
But what is it about quitting that strikes such a dissonant chord within us? You get labeled a loser, a flake, or irresponsible. But how do you know when you’re being a quitter, or just adopting the Wabi Sabi mantra of “let it go.”
Is life really all about accomplishments and finish lines? Or can life be more of a meandering garden path that stops us in our tracks at every different flower, every shady tree, every creek side bridge? We are allowed to change our minds, change our hearts, and change direction, are we not?
As a person who has many interests and has tried many things, people tend to not take you seriously. We are born into this world with the rules already in place, they’ve been established for a long, long, time and we need to abide by them. At least until we become aware enough, or independent enough (some would call it stubborn enough) to realize that not every societal rule need apply to our life.
I understand the fear people have around quitting a job, a marriage, or dropping out of school in your final semester, and the pressure from others that can accompany it. But if we listen to our heart, our soul, and drown out the voices of all those rule makers, we will know exactly what we need to quit. And one of the first things on the list would be to quit letting those other voices shout louder than our own.
But, for as many things in our life that we should nurture and hang on to, there are just as many that we need to quit.
And some of those things we need to quit doing right now.
Quit putting pressure on ourselves to make everyone else happy
Quit wasting so much time on social media
Quit saying you’re sorry for things you don’t need to be sorry about
Quit planning for a rainy day and go enjoy the sunny one
Quit waiting for the right time to start (it doesn’t exist)
Quit feeling as if we’re just not good enough (most everyone else feels that on some level, too)
Quit hanging out with people who drain our energy and bring nothing positive to the table
Quit waiting for life to be perfect. (Hint: It isn’t — and never will be)
Quit working at a job that you hate (go drive for Uber or Lyft till you find something else)
Quit thinking someone else is going to save you
Quit thinking that if you just had more, a new purchase or acquisition, then life would be good
Quit thinking you don’t already have everything you need to be happy
So go ahead and quit. Quit every little thing that doesn’t add to your growth, your good health, your happiness and your peace of mind. You’re not a quitter, you’re just letting that shit go.
(Oh, and on a side note, my 4-year-old daughter who is now 30 is one of the most committed people I’ve ever met — never gives up and goes after what she wants. So, that theory, once a quitter, always a quitter, doesn’t hold water in my book!)
